When The Inside is Right, The Outside Will Follow.

Three Great Book Referrals

 I have always hated reading and rarely do it, but these are great books that I would highly recommend should they fit your need.

Not a Fan: Becoming a Completely Committed Follow of Jesus by Kyle Idleman

            This book is perfect for everyone which is why I’m posting it first. It explains what it means to be a Christian and what it doesn’t mean. It’s easy to mistake our knowledge of Jesus as intimacy with Jesus. I may fail at memorizing bible bowl answers, but I do feel I'm starting to know Jesus more and more. It's when I totally lost faith that I started realizing just who He was. When you have lost hope, you seem to be able to hold on to hope more firmly. When you have lost that spiritual connection, you don’t take it for granted. You hold on to the spiritual truths a little more closely. You realize He is NOT here to deliver me from all pain and to make my life easy, but that His purpose is much bigger and much deeper.

            I found it interesting when it talked about how fans don’t mind a little touch up work, but Jesus wants to completely interfere with our lives. It was sobering to read about how we all have great stories of how we pursued our mates. We may have done crazy and elaborate things just to impress them and show that we love them…but when we think of stories about pursuing Christ, we can’t think of anything spectacular. Have we ever stayed up all night talking to Him? Do we get excited for prayer/quiet time? So excited that it comes before HGTV time? (Eek. Guilty here😁). I definitely struggle in this area. He’s not a God of convenience but of sacrifice.

            Along the same lines, often times churches stress the “believe in me” part, but skip over the “follow me” parts. It’s easier to sell the idea of believing in a God that cares, loves, forgives, and gives you hope. He is very much all that, but if we are his hands and feet and we ain’t getting dirty…then what are we here for? The word follow calls for movement. However, they specify the difference between following rules and following Him. Following the rules becomes easier when we are following Him, but following the rules should never be a gauge for how close you are to Christ. I have spent the last few years not only focusing more on believing (or not believing) by how I was feeling, but also focusing more on rules. Was that "technically" a relapse? Is there a loophole here? Do I deserve one free pass? Can I substitute an addiction with another one that is more socially acceptable? OR as a teen…the ever popular question of “How far is too far?” Where is the focus here? It’s on us…not on Him.

            When it gives examples of sacrificing ourselves, I think people get caught up with that rule mentality...like tithing. 10% may be nothing for some. What is considered a sacrifice to you? If you struggle with numbing out your life by watching TV all day (can’t imagine anyone doing that…😔), then maybe you are being called to spend more time with Him. Or, maybe you are hiding behind the “good Christian” mask by being the number one church volunteer, but you don’t feel you have that close relationship? Sacrifice might actually be saying NO to good things in order to say YES to real connection. Some may think their bad habit isnt as bad an an illegal one, so they justify...but He wants whatever is in our hearts that is competing with Him. My issue is being undisciplined with my free time and I need to make a real sacrifice here. 

            One of the quotes I liked was “When the relationship on the inside is right, the outside will follow.” I used to think I wasn’t worthy of God yet. I needed to get areas of my life under control or "figured out" before I could really go to Him and have a relationship. Not the case. Living in the "Land of Tomorrow” is a sad lonely, and long dark place...and tomorrow may never come.

             I felt a healthy amount of guilt when reading this book. Not guilt that was shaming, but guilt that motivated me to do and want better. I think every Christian should feel uncomfortable with where they are spiritually…because we all could do more. Just remember, the focus should not be what Jesus can do for us, but what we can do for Him.

Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian.

            Pretty much everything I wrote about in THIS BLOG POST came from this book. I realized that I never mentioned the book, so I have updated the post to clearly state that! Since I already wrote a lot, I won’t say more. I will just say that this book really helped me get spiritually unstuck. If you feel like life has dealt you more than you could handle and you may be in, or heading to, a dark hopeless place of victim-ville…then this is a great place to start. It acknowledges your suffering but helps channel it positively before it consumes you.

The Hope Journey by Jennifer Hunt

            Again, an easy read, great book. It’s last on this list because it doesn’t apply to everyone. It’s to help people overcome the wounds of abuse and to know there is hope. It’s interesting how people can process abuse and think they are “over it” but then something will trigger a thought and you kinda need to process through it again. I find it helpful that she explained how she was confused for so many years. Abuse can have so many forms and the manipulation of perpetrators can really make things complicated and confusing. I have a feeling that most abused people feel partially responsible, like they were at fault for at least parts of it. Even when people know intellectually that it’s not true, their heart may still feel that they could have and should have done more. It’s nice to have that lie reiterated by unbiased people anytime it creeps back up.

            This was basically about a college student who was noticing her past ruining her future. She decided to seek help and this book was approximately a years worth of her journal entries and counseling sessions that showed how she processed through her different emotions as they came.

            The only thing I didn’t like about this book was the ending. I tend to hate books with good endings because I will feel pressured to have that same good ending right now in my life. I can get frustrated that I don’t or start doubting that I ever will and it can just mess with my head. I start focusing on creating an ending instead of focusing on the next step…the process. If you aren’t messed up in the head like me though, you’ll probably love the ending and find a lot of hope from it!

I could use some more spiritually uplifting books if you have recommendations! 

Fully Functional and Useable

 Month 4 of Building

Things have slowed down quite a bit because I couldn't make decisions, but we did finally finish some stuff this month! First, we finally picked out the counter tops. The black was easy. The color was black pearl and at $40/sqft installed and over an inch thick slab, we couldn't find anything better. 

(If you have found better, please feel free to pass along that info to me for future use!!)

However, I didn't want black over our dark cabinets, so I was on the hunt for some white counter tops. I reallllllllly loved this grey quartzite (upper right). It's kinda got the marble look but more durable. The only problem was that it was over $100/sqft! So, I tried searching for quartz. I found a few different ones that looked the most like marble (bottom right), but those were also over $100/sqft. Erg. I really wanted something that was mainly white (since dark cabinets), but not solid white (because I wanted to camouflage spilled food!). So, after spending 2 weeks going back and forth, I decided to go with this granite (bottom left). It was mainly white and I loved it. It's called Siberian White and at $50/sqft, it was more reasonable. I also thought my backsplash (top left) looked great with it, so I pulled the trigger and moved on.

For the bar area, we found some live edge wood planks. I'm very excited/anxious to see how this will turn out. Wes wants this to be his project. It's hard being patient, but I'm trying!

 It also took me a little too long to decide on kitchen hardware. I knew I wanted cup pulls, but it turns out Wes has a strong hatred toward them. I bought one to install (so he could fall in love with it) but the raised panel in the middle is too skinny to install it there. I prefer the pulls to be in the middle of drawers. I could put them on the top, but if Wes doesn't fall in love, and we end up going with the same handles, those would definitely need to be in the middle and not the top...leaving two extra holes in our drawer. So, I gave up. It will get done eventually.

Wes also wanted to take on the pantry as his project.

 I think he did an awesome job. Bad picture, but great pantry!

 We just need to sand, texture and paint it. Then add trim around the door and stain it to match the cabinets. The kitchen is 100% useable and so I am trying to be patient about all the unfinished projects that Wes has claimed as his. These include the bar top and the back of the bar having faux stone installed. Building a panel to cover the back of the island and installing floating shelves in between the two windows on the right. Then we need to order several fake doors from the cabinet place, two more refrigerator cabinets with glass doors to go above the other ones, and one more upper and lower cabinet to go on the left of the pantry. We also need to decide on a range hood and kitchen table light. Then backsplash, baseboards and crown moulding. Not much, right!? I'm trying to convince myself of that...

The other big thing we finished is the upstairs walls! I will be busy priming and painting this week along with ordering carpet!

Wes wanted this project, but we needed to compromise. We have extra furniture being stored in all of our rooms that really want to go to their home upstairs! It was stuff we were going to get rid of until we realized this room was happening. So, its definitely furniture and clutter overload right now and I just don't mentally function as well in that environment. Plus, when we made a list of all remaining projects that Wes wanted to do...well, it was going to take around 12 months to finish them all since he has a full time job and two busy kiddos. I compromised by saving him the stairs area to drywall!

 He installed the door and started working, but the pantry pulled him away for a moment. He took out our old HVAC unit that was where this big space is, and we plan to install a platform here where the new water heater will be, with an access door at the landing of the stairs. Very excited for this to be done. Our water heater works, so we aren't in a hurry, but It's a tad hazardous and it's located in the playroom, so I'm ready for it to be done! Finishing this area is next in line.

 He installed the door that goes into the storm shelter. He's becoming a pro door installer.

We could have had the entire house done by now, but I'm all about letting Wes take on some things. I only insisted on having a functioning and useable house as quickly as possible. After that, it's all about compromise. If we plan to fix up and rent/flip houses, I am totally cool with having Wes do these projects on our house. We get better with practice and we also learn what was worth doing ourself and what wasn't. By the end of next month, I'm hoping all the major projects will be done. We will be redecorating and organizing and doing yard work for the rest of our lives, but I will be able to deep clean the house and it wont be dusty five minutes later because of a project. That's my goal anyway!

Eclectic or Disaster? We will soon find out...

KITCHEN'S OVERWHELM ME

 I LOOOOVE way too many different things when it comes to kitchens. I like concrete, stainless steel, marble, wood, AND granite counter tops...can we have all?! I like white and dark brown cabinets...so I chose both. I like many many many different back splashes, so I'm thinking of using more than one. Is that crazy!? Same with pulls. I like cup pulls and bar pulls. Do they mix well?! The list goes on and on. I like so many different looks that I just don't enjoy picking one. I want someone to come in with a computer program that can show me exactly what different ideas will look like...except, I don't wanna pay for it! Ha.

So, here's what we have been doing the past two weeks...

Yep. That's how the cabinets came.

Here is the dark chocolate oak cabinets put together.

We decided to push the island back further, which meant cutting into our slab in order for the electrical line to come back further. It also means more tile work, but no biggie.

We just gotta get the fake door panels for the sides, and a panel in the back, and here's our island.

The good news is I've been able to rule out the stainless steel island counter top! The massive amount of steel in here is more than enough...maybe I'll save that for the playroom table top!

(no, the faucet isn't going there. We threw it on to a piece of plywood just for temp use)

Here is where we are at right now. Finishing up the wall oven cabinet so we can get our counters measured asap. There will be a lot of finishing touches, and several decisions...which stresses me out (mainly the kitchen table light), but hopefully it will all look good in the end. Too many different crazy design ideas might just make for a beautiful disaster...we shall see...

Speaking of crazy design ideas, I'm thinking this for the bar top between the kitchen and living room would look awesome. Do you?

 Lastly, who would like to get me this table?! It's just a little pocket change...

I am just a few days away from being able to use my kitchen! Eating sandwiches, pizza, and taco bell everyday has gotten a little old...homemade spaghetti sounds super gourmet right now.

House Remodel: Part 13

THE FINAL LEG!!
So it's been 3 weeks since the last update. The paint, stucco, and brick have been completed.

The drywall and texture was completed and I was finally able to tear down the kitchen tarp!! It's so nice being able to get into the fridge without having to walk outside, through the garage, and into the kitchen, just for a glass of juice! I primed and painted the entire kitchen, laundry room, and playroom. I hate painting ceilings.

I recruited the kids to help paint the walls while I painted the ceilings. 

 Oh. and the playroom wood floors were installed...

 scraped, distressed, and stained!!

 Wes installed these two outlets (shh...don't tell anyone!). Our electricians come on Friday to do all the finishings, but I had to do laundry before the kids and I go on vacation early Thursday morning!

 We also hung up siding. He looks so good with a tool belt on, eh?

  In hopes of tying in the new brick with the old part of the house, I wanted brick around all the windows and brick in the corners of the house. I was thinking brick down the entire corners, but I let the brick guy do what he wanted. I tend to let artists create what they want! Was this a good idea, or a bad idea!? I'm still on the fence.

 He bricked up the back porch posts as well. My plan was to brick around 3 feet up and then wrap the posts with stained cedar, but I guess he forgot and bricked all the way up. I'm fine with that too.

 It's all done!! Well, the siding will be painted to match our garage doors...a dark wood stain look, but then it's done!

 Now we just gotta clean up all around the house and install kitchen cabinets!!

Random Realities Realized

Many of these thoughts came directly from reading the book
Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian.  

 With kids at church camp, today has been nothing but reading and pondering. I even turned off HGTV because there were so many deep thoughts flooding in that I couldn’t keep up with all the cool renovations on TV. I’m slightly surprised I turned off the TV instead of closing the book. 

These are some random things I was reading about that kinda hit me in the gut...

 I learned several years ago that in becoming the judged (one of "those" people), I in turn relinquished my judgments. I absolutely no longer felt anything other than compassion for people. Even people who drive me crazy, I can laugh at their craziness, feel pity for their pettiness, and feel sad at their need be fake. I genuinely care about everyone. I have completely realized I am no better than anyone else. I can’t even hate judgmental people, because they are just people who need to feel better about themselves by making others seem worse. Character flaws. We all have them. Nobody grows up dreaming about being drug addicts, adulterers, depressed hermits, or angry abusive people. People just feel that's the only way to ensure some false sense of acceptance and protection at the time. When we try to be in control of everything, we can all come up with pretty bad ideas of meeting legitimate needs.

What I didn’t grasp back then that I think I’m starting to now, is I'm pretty judgmental of myself. In reality, I’m not really that important. The smaller and less significant I become, the freer I will be. I have spent a lot of energy running from trials, avoiding emotions, and trying to “get over it” quickly, so that I could be who I thought I was supposed to be. I was trying to control everything and in doing so, became a slave to self-reliance. When my significance, protection, and purpose is all riding on me, it’s a lot of pressure. I had turned personal validation into my primary source of meaning and value. I got over the need for others approval a while ago, but the need of MY approval was another story. Jesus measured up for me so that I don't have to live under the pressure of measuring up to others…including myself. There is nothing left for me to prove or protect, no one to impress or appease and I can be okay with not being okay. I am free from the burden of trying to control not only what other people think about me, but how I think of me.

A fun creative mom, a Celebrate Recovery leader, and a good friend. That identity became my idol. When I was too busy to be creative, I thought I was nothing. When I was no longer a leader who “had it all together”, I was just a loser who “fell from grace”. When I was too hurt to be fun, I hid and became an emotionless robot. I put so much pressure on myself to be who I thought I was supposed to be, that when I couldn’t measure up, I didn’t know who I was. That was a very uncomfortable place. I questioned Why me?…I am trying to carry out a godly plan here...Why this?...this is totally messing up this plan…Why now?...just as my plan was getting started?? I thought I knew God’s plan and didn't understand why it wasn't working out. Quick fix after quick fix, I had to realize who I actually was and who I wasn’t. Apparently God doesn’t need my help in planning my future and he doesn’t want me in control. I have been fired from that job after 29 years. Well shoot. What do I do now??

I knew I was not defined by my struggles, but I am also not defined by my accomplishments. I realize that sad events aren’t what rob me of joy. Idolatry does. My “chains” that needed breaking weren’t my bad coping skills. I could break one of those and just pick up another. My chain was idolizing the identity of who I wanted to be. If I was sad, I needed to run away from those feelings so I could continue encouraging others. If I was struggling with something, I needed to snap out of it so that I could continue being an awesome testimony. It never really occurred to me that I am really just not that important. God doesn’t NEED me. He wants me to need HIM. He can use me no matter where I’m at and I can go to him no matter where I’m at. I typically never prayed asking for help until I had already come up with a plan I felt would work…then I basically prayed that he follow through.  The pressure is off.  I don’t need a plan and I don’t need to always be strong. It wasn’t that God abandoned me during hard times, but that I was focused more on MY plan than I was on Him. I needed to stop doing and start listening. 

Lastly, as much as I don’t like people plastering smiles on their face, God doesn’t want edited prayers. It’s good for me to keep things in perspective by realizing there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t mean I have to minimize my pain. When I'm hurting and mad at God, I just stop talking to Him...as if that's better than me yelling at him. The appropriate response to life in this world IS grief and pain, so I do not need to deny those feelings...even if I blame him at the moment. This world is not my home. He is not interested in what I think I SHOULD be doing or SHOULD be feeling, but he is interested in me…and he meets me where I am. I can be weak so he can be strong. I don't have to have it all figured out. I can question him and be angry, he's got thick enough skin. I guess this is what it means to work THROUGH the pain as opposed to running FROM the pain.

I am weak. I am not important. I am not my own judge. I do not need to know the plan.

I need Jesus.

Ok. That was enough sap for a few months.

Home Transformation

Our First Total Gut Job

  It's been a pretty crazy two months

The first thing we wanted to do was the kids room and bathroom. We lived on air mattresses in the kitchen and living room! We currently have our playroom couch behind our living room couch, but hopefully our garage turned playroom will be done soon!

 This was the original closed off view from our front door. We opened it up which means we will have to do a little better job of keeping it cleaned.

We spruced up the entry way a tad. The door people messed up on measuring. Instead of waiting another few weeks, Wes offered to buy the door at a big discount, trimmed the bottom a little, and installed it himself. This saved A LOT!!

 The hallway was blown open and the ladders give it a nice touch!

I stained a lot of wood...

I still have a couple door frames to stain, but I needed a break!

The kids bath had wallpaper falling off the wall. We lifted the ceiling over the tub and found tile that was discontinued at just 50 cents a piece!

As much as we loved the green and white sink, we decided to get a little bigger one. Avery is not excited about sharing a sink with Zane, but I have a feeling she will survive.

We removed one of the master closets in order to get me my tub...

 Doing this made the tiny master bathroom into a tight, but full master bath. We need to order the glass shower surround. That's our goal for this weekend!

 We are still working on our bathroom (mirror, light, staining vanity), but I like being able to close it off from our bedroom. I'm not a fan of open concept when it comes to bathrooms!

We still have some little random things we need to finish, but most of the living space is complete. We are now working on the big jobs of converting a garage to a playroom and then having a new garage built. We have decided to be the general contractors so we will see how that process goes!!

Oh Yes He Did...

 and he loved every bit of it...

I am not sure why we waited EIGHT YEARS to go on a vacation without the kids, but that will never happen again. If your hubby ever says "I'm totally getting a speedo" he might actually be serious. The day before we leave he goes to Academy and I was like "What?? You were serious?!" He was.

 It was hard taking pictures because it was really bright and his eyes were still super sensitive, but out of 200, I think we got a few keepers!! The self timer continuous shooting feature on my cheap camera came in super handy.

 A sweet couple who were friends of my parents 15 years ago let us stay in their condo on the Panama City Beach. It was absolutely perfect. Right on the beach and amazing weather. We had no plans and we only remembered to call the kids once.

 We ate breakfast and sometimes lunch in our condo in order to splurge a little on dinner. We had some sort of cream cheese filled stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon one day. Sounded strange but super delicious!

 We couldn't resist the dip n dots store close by. If it weren't logistically impossible, we would have bought a $50 gallon bucket of this stuff!! They had about 30+ flavors and we tried almost all of them. We had them put two different flavors in our cups each time. The best combo was banana split and cotton candy. Someone please bring this store here. I'll single-handedly keep you in business.

When I think about a year ago, it's just a miracle we even went on this vacation. I'm thinking the next one should be a cruise around Europe!! So blessed.