Random Realities Realized

Many of these thoughts came directly from reading the book
Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian.  

 With kids at church camp, today has been nothing but reading and pondering. I even turned off HGTV because there were so many deep thoughts flooding in that I couldn’t keep up with all the cool renovations on TV. I’m slightly surprised I turned off the TV instead of closing the book. 

These are some random things I was reading about that kinda hit me in the gut...

 I learned several years ago that in becoming the judged (one of "those" people), I in turn relinquished my judgments. I absolutely no longer felt anything other than compassion for people. Even people who drive me crazy, I can laugh at their craziness, feel pity for their pettiness, and feel sad at their need be fake. I genuinely care about everyone. I have completely realized I am no better than anyone else. I can’t even hate judgmental people, because they are just people who need to feel better about themselves by making others seem worse. Character flaws. We all have them. Nobody grows up dreaming about being drug addicts, adulterers, depressed hermits, or angry abusive people. People just feel that's the only way to ensure some false sense of acceptance and protection at the time. When we try to be in control of everything, we can all come up with pretty bad ideas of meeting legitimate needs.

What I didn’t grasp back then that I think I’m starting to now, is I'm pretty judgmental of myself. In reality, I’m not really that important. The smaller and less significant I become, the freer I will be. I have spent a lot of energy running from trials, avoiding emotions, and trying to “get over it” quickly, so that I could be who I thought I was supposed to be. I was trying to control everything and in doing so, became a slave to self-reliance. When my significance, protection, and purpose is all riding on me, it’s a lot of pressure. I had turned personal validation into my primary source of meaning and value. I got over the need for others approval a while ago, but the need of MY approval was another story. Jesus measured up for me so that I don't have to live under the pressure of measuring up to others…including myself. There is nothing left for me to prove or protect, no one to impress or appease and I can be okay with not being okay. I am free from the burden of trying to control not only what other people think about me, but how I think of me.

A fun creative mom, a Celebrate Recovery leader, and a good friend. That identity became my idol. When I was too busy to be creative, I thought I was nothing. When I was no longer a leader who “had it all together”, I was just a loser who “fell from grace”. When I was too hurt to be fun, I hid and became an emotionless robot. I put so much pressure on myself to be who I thought I was supposed to be, that when I couldn’t measure up, I didn’t know who I was. That was a very uncomfortable place. I questioned Why me?…I am trying to carry out a godly plan here...Why this?...this is totally messing up this plan…Why now?...just as my plan was getting started?? I thought I knew God’s plan and didn't understand why it wasn't working out. Quick fix after quick fix, I had to realize who I actually was and who I wasn’t. Apparently God doesn’t need my help in planning my future and he doesn’t want me in control. I have been fired from that job after 29 years. Well shoot. What do I do now??

I knew I was not defined by my struggles, but I am also not defined by my accomplishments. I realize that sad events aren’t what rob me of joy. Idolatry does. My “chains” that needed breaking weren’t my bad coping skills. I could break one of those and just pick up another. My chain was idolizing the identity of who I wanted to be. If I was sad, I needed to run away from those feelings so I could continue encouraging others. If I was struggling with something, I needed to snap out of it so that I could continue being an awesome testimony. It never really occurred to me that I am really just not that important. God doesn’t NEED me. He wants me to need HIM. He can use me no matter where I’m at and I can go to him no matter where I’m at. I typically never prayed asking for help until I had already come up with a plan I felt would work…then I basically prayed that he follow through.  The pressure is off.  I don’t need a plan and I don’t need to always be strong. It wasn’t that God abandoned me during hard times, but that I was focused more on MY plan than I was on Him. I needed to stop doing and start listening. 

Lastly, as much as I don’t like people plastering smiles on their face, God doesn’t want edited prayers. It’s good for me to keep things in perspective by realizing there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t mean I have to minimize my pain. When I'm hurting and mad at God, I just stop talking to Him...as if that's better than me yelling at him. The appropriate response to life in this world IS grief and pain, so I do not need to deny those feelings...even if I blame him at the moment. This world is not my home. He is not interested in what I think I SHOULD be doing or SHOULD be feeling, but he is interested in me…and he meets me where I am. I can be weak so he can be strong. I don't have to have it all figured out. I can question him and be angry, he's got thick enough skin. I guess this is what it means to work THROUGH the pain as opposed to running FROM the pain.

I am weak. I am not important. I am not my own judge. I do not need to know the plan.

I need Jesus.

Ok. That was enough sap for a few months.