Random Realities Realized

Many of these thoughts came directly from reading the book
Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free by Tullian Tchividjian.  

 With kids at church camp, today has been nothing but reading and pondering. I even turned off HGTV because there were so many deep thoughts flooding in that I couldn’t keep up with all the cool renovations on TV. I’m slightly surprised I turned off the TV instead of closing the book. 

These are some random things I was reading about that kinda hit me in the gut...

 I learned several years ago that in becoming the judged (one of "those" people), I in turn relinquished my judgments. I absolutely no longer felt anything other than compassion for people. Even people who drive me crazy, I can laugh at their craziness, feel pity for their pettiness, and feel sad at their need be fake. I genuinely care about everyone. I have completely realized I am no better than anyone else. I can’t even hate judgmental people, because they are just people who need to feel better about themselves by making others seem worse. Character flaws. We all have them. Nobody grows up dreaming about being drug addicts, adulterers, depressed hermits, or angry abusive people. People just feel that's the only way to ensure some false sense of acceptance and protection at the time. When we try to be in control of everything, we can all come up with pretty bad ideas of meeting legitimate needs.

What I didn’t grasp back then that I think I’m starting to now, is I'm pretty judgmental of myself. In reality, I’m not really that important. The smaller and less significant I become, the freer I will be. I have spent a lot of energy running from trials, avoiding emotions, and trying to “get over it” quickly, so that I could be who I thought I was supposed to be. I was trying to control everything and in doing so, became a slave to self-reliance. When my significance, protection, and purpose is all riding on me, it’s a lot of pressure. I had turned personal validation into my primary source of meaning and value. I got over the need for others approval a while ago, but the need of MY approval was another story. Jesus measured up for me so that I don't have to live under the pressure of measuring up to others…including myself. There is nothing left for me to prove or protect, no one to impress or appease and I can be okay with not being okay. I am free from the burden of trying to control not only what other people think about me, but how I think of me.

A fun creative mom, a Celebrate Recovery leader, and a good friend. That identity became my idol. When I was too busy to be creative, I thought I was nothing. When I was no longer a leader who “had it all together”, I was just a loser who “fell from grace”. When I was too hurt to be fun, I hid and became an emotionless robot. I put so much pressure on myself to be who I thought I was supposed to be, that when I couldn’t measure up, I didn’t know who I was. That was a very uncomfortable place. I questioned Why me?…I am trying to carry out a godly plan here...Why this?...this is totally messing up this plan…Why now?...just as my plan was getting started?? I thought I knew God’s plan and didn't understand why it wasn't working out. Quick fix after quick fix, I had to realize who I actually was and who I wasn’t. Apparently God doesn’t need my help in planning my future and he doesn’t want me in control. I have been fired from that job after 29 years. Well shoot. What do I do now??

I knew I was not defined by my struggles, but I am also not defined by my accomplishments. I realize that sad events aren’t what rob me of joy. Idolatry does. My “chains” that needed breaking weren’t my bad coping skills. I could break one of those and just pick up another. My chain was idolizing the identity of who I wanted to be. If I was sad, I needed to run away from those feelings so I could continue encouraging others. If I was struggling with something, I needed to snap out of it so that I could continue being an awesome testimony. It never really occurred to me that I am really just not that important. God doesn’t NEED me. He wants me to need HIM. He can use me no matter where I’m at and I can go to him no matter where I’m at. I typically never prayed asking for help until I had already come up with a plan I felt would work…then I basically prayed that he follow through.  The pressure is off.  I don’t need a plan and I don’t need to always be strong. It wasn’t that God abandoned me during hard times, but that I was focused more on MY plan than I was on Him. I needed to stop doing and start listening. 

Lastly, as much as I don’t like people plastering smiles on their face, God doesn’t want edited prayers. It’s good for me to keep things in perspective by realizing there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t mean I have to minimize my pain. When I'm hurting and mad at God, I just stop talking to Him...as if that's better than me yelling at him. The appropriate response to life in this world IS grief and pain, so I do not need to deny those feelings...even if I blame him at the moment. This world is not my home. He is not interested in what I think I SHOULD be doing or SHOULD be feeling, but he is interested in me…and he meets me where I am. I can be weak so he can be strong. I don't have to have it all figured out. I can question him and be angry, he's got thick enough skin. I guess this is what it means to work THROUGH the pain as opposed to running FROM the pain.

I am weak. I am not important. I am not my own judge. I do not need to know the plan.

I need Jesus.

Ok. That was enough sap for a few months.

Home Transformation

Our First Total Gut Job

  It's been a pretty crazy two months

The first thing we wanted to do was the kids room and bathroom. We lived on air mattresses in the kitchen and living room! We currently have our playroom couch behind our living room couch, but hopefully our garage turned playroom will be done soon!

 This was the original closed off view from our front door. We opened it up which means we will have to do a little better job of keeping it cleaned.

We spruced up the entry way a tad. The door people messed up on measuring. Instead of waiting another few weeks, Wes offered to buy the door at a big discount, trimmed the bottom a little, and installed it himself. This saved A LOT!!

 The hallway was blown open and the ladders give it a nice touch!

I stained a lot of wood...

I still have a couple door frames to stain, but I needed a break!

The kids bath had wallpaper falling off the wall. We lifted the ceiling over the tub and found tile that was discontinued at just 50 cents a piece!

As much as we loved the green and white sink, we decided to get a little bigger one. Avery is not excited about sharing a sink with Zane, but I have a feeling she will survive.

We removed one of the master closets in order to get me my tub...

 Doing this made the tiny master bathroom into a tight, but full master bath. We need to order the glass shower surround. That's our goal for this weekend!

 We are still working on our bathroom (mirror, light, staining vanity), but I like being able to close it off from our bedroom. I'm not a fan of open concept when it comes to bathrooms!

We still have some little random things we need to finish, but most of the living space is complete. We are now working on the big jobs of converting a garage to a playroom and then having a new garage built. We have decided to be the general contractors so we will see how that process goes!!

Oh Yes He Did...

 and he loved every bit of it...

I am not sure why we waited EIGHT YEARS to go on a vacation without the kids, but that will never happen again. If your hubby ever says "I'm totally getting a speedo" he might actually be serious. The day before we leave he goes to Academy and I was like "What?? You were serious?!" He was.

 It was hard taking pictures because it was really bright and his eyes were still super sensitive, but out of 200, I think we got a few keepers!! The self timer continuous shooting feature on my cheap camera came in super handy.

 A sweet couple who were friends of my parents 15 years ago let us stay in their condo on the Panama City Beach. It was absolutely perfect. Right on the beach and amazing weather. We had no plans and we only remembered to call the kids once.

 We ate breakfast and sometimes lunch in our condo in order to splurge a little on dinner. We had some sort of cream cheese filled stuffed shrimp wrapped in bacon one day. Sounded strange but super delicious!

 We couldn't resist the dip n dots store close by. If it weren't logistically impossible, we would have bought a $50 gallon bucket of this stuff!! They had about 30+ flavors and we tried almost all of them. We had them put two different flavors in our cups each time. The best combo was banana split and cotton candy. Someone please bring this store here. I'll single-handedly keep you in business.

When I think about a year ago, it's just a miracle we even went on this vacation. I'm thinking the next one should be a cruise around Europe!! So blessed.

Art Camp and Theater Camp

Fine Arts Institute

Once again, we decided to try something new. No only to see if the kids were interested, but I needed child care as well! 

When Zane was at Art Camp, Avery went to GG's to have some girl time!

Zane got more excited about his work than I had imagined. He's so chill that he is rarely impressed with anything. I think he did amazing and enjoyed listening about every single piece!! I love the chalk moon and earth that we "have to be VERY careful with," but he was most proud of his "Really REAL looking" cup he drew! It looks real. If you missed that.

I guess I didn't get a picture of the clay bowl he painted, but I love the accordion book with characters hanging down with string!

Avery went to Theater Camp when Zane went to GG's for some sister-free time!!

She liked this camp a little too much I'm afraid. They had many different classes like improve, stage makeup, doing tricks (balloon animals and magic tricks), etc.

Her favorite was memorizing lines and acting them out. She did great remembering it all and it was fun watching! These kinds of productions are on my level and what I can handle! Unfortunately, I think her dreams are set higher where the waters are unchartered...and filled with alligators....

The kids loved these camps but I think it was more expensive than I prefer. I've already forgotten how much...and that's probably a good thing.

Chemical Peel Anyone??

 So this is what I look like without makeup...

 The kids found this lovely app that will show you what you will look like when you are 100 years old. That along with chemical peel Groupons popping up and screaming at me everyday caught me in a weak moment. I've never had one before and thought I'd give it a try.

HOLY. CRAP. IT. BURNED.

 The lady was like "you will feel a little burn, but it shouldn't be too bad." My face was straight up ON FIRE. She had to put a fan on full blast and hold it up to my face. Supposedly I got a fairly "light" peel of 15% and she goes up to 30-50%. How in the world can people do that?? 

These pictures are from when Wes and I went to a wedding 3 days later!! I looked like I was punched in the face over and over.

  It was a full week of looking crazy and that was with me soaking my face and constantly rubbing and peeling the skin off...which was against the rules.

I wish I had this awesome pic of me with perfect skin now, but I don't. Totally not worth it! You chemical peel lovers are INSANE and need psychiatric help!! I still have another session but I'm scared.

Here are some random selfies I found on my phone when doing this post...

 Zane's quote while watching me post this. "Haha. That was me thinking Yo, what's up"  

and I don't even want to know what she was thinking!

I guess this is another weird app?

 Crazy kids.

July Happened

Softball is finished! 

Like every year, at least three games and most practices get cancelled because of the weather. I think we might have to switch to EASI when the weather is a little nicer.

 Avery made it to first base almost every time and Zane did a great job catching! It was a very fun season to watch!!

For the 4th, we went to my parents and rode around in the back of PaPa's truck to see several different firework shows. They live out in the country and at one point there were three different shows on both sides of the road!! The weather was perfect. We'll definitely have to do that again.

Apparently we forgot to take any festive pictures except these beauties aunt Brittany painted...

This summer I have worked pretty much full time, so play dates were much less in number. However, the few we had were so much fun!!

I had another birthday. Here's to the last year in my 20's!!

When you put these three together, it's always entertaining! On a side note, my left butt cheek is still sore from bowling this past Saturday. Ouch!!

 I had the kids go to a 2 week program at a local elementary school. It was less expensive than paying a babysitter and it included breakfast and lunch and kids and activities. Pretty perfect in my book!! There were several different classes available but we chose "Kid's Just Want To Have Fun"

This is some of the things the kiddo's made in that two weeks!! One week was Ocean Theme and the other was Rainbow Theme. They made a shark t-shirt and also a Sharpie tie dye shirt. Great program!

I got tickets to Toby Keith's Tornado Relief concert. It was tortuously hot. I was thinking it would be from 3-6, so when a friend wanted me to paint at 6:30, I agreed! However, it started at 4 and I only got to see Garth and Trisha before I had to leave! Good thing I like the person I painted with... ;-)

To be continued...

Tried Something New

 Tennis Camp

Summer is the best time to try new things. If they hate it, they aren't stuck doing it for 8 long weeks. Last summer, Avery tried golf. She hated it. This summer, we thought we would try tennis. 

 I'm not sure it was super fun to them (it was a lot of learning the different ways you stand/swing), but at least they didn't hate it!

 Zane kept getting confused with lifting his front elbow instead of his back. However, he looks cute when he is concentrating!

 Avery actually caught on quickly and may have enjoyed it. It's not really a sport that brings a lot of enthusiasm with it, so it's hard to tell the difference between being totally bored and being a good tennis player!

  Zane thought correct form was completely overrated and figured he could get away with just pretending it was a baseball. He didn't really care about getting it over the net or lobbing it to a teammate. Forget about trying to be perfect, just swing as hard as you can and call it good!

We might actually do this again next summer. In the meantime we definitely should dust off our garage sale racquets and play tennis as a family sometime. If for no other reason than to ensure my arms don't become flabby, it will be worth it.